How to Be More Socially Confident
Confidence n. – the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.
Confidence is BELIEVING in yourself and your ability to handle any given situation.
Social Confidence is simply put, your ability to act cool, calm, confident, easy-going and collected in any social situation. The opposite of social confidence is social anxiety.
Boiled down, this is where routine social interactions that others find effortless stop you dead in your tracks. I used to be extremely socially anxious. It was so bad I couldn’t leave my parent’s house or talk to any strangers.
Today, I am very confident. On my trip to Vegas, I approached twelve women per day.
I approached groups effortlessly, I get numbers effortlessly.
I direct the frame of the conversation.
I’ve had great results with women as a direct result of the confidence I’ve developed.
Social confidence is a skill.
Skill are like muscle.
Like a muscle, a skill MUST be exercised and developed to grow.
For this exercise to happen, you must place yourself in challenging situations.
You must place pressure up on muscle for it to grow.
Similarly, you must put yourself in uncomfortable situations so that you can grow mentally and as a person. Social Anxiety has become a bigger and bigger issue for men over the past few years.
If you mentioned social anxiety or autism one hundred years ago, you would have been laughed at and looked at like you had three heads.
1)The Root Causes of Social Anxiety
The root cause is underexposure to social situations due to overuse of technology and lack of daily real-life social interactions, being a loser, and use of drugs or stimulants that exacerbate anxiety.
I think the cause is multifactored, but it comes down to six things:
We live in the most comfortable, bubble-wrapped time of humanity to ever existed.
Men of past generations didn’t have infinite methods to escape reality.
They had to face reality. They were shaped and molded by the hardships of life. As a result, they would never get anxious around something as small as talking to a woman.
Escapism is any form of procrastination, avoidance, denial of reality, instant gratification which wastes valuable time.
It could be a drug, a screen, a habit, indecision.
The bottom line is escapism allows the individual to temporarily distract and take his mind off reality.
The problem is that although he may escape reality, he DOES NOT escape the consquences of ignoring reality.
The more time wasted on escapism, the worse the individual’s reality becomes.
Forms of Escapism: Drugs, Alcohol Internet Surfing, TV, Streaming, Porn , Video Games, Analysis-Paralysis, Procrastination, spending major time on minor things and instant gratification.
Escaping reality and social contact for extended periods of time weakens your social skills, makes you awkward and makes it harder for you to relate to normal human beings.
(Caffeine, Adderall, Modafinil, Yohimbine, Coffee, Marijuana, T3 and other drugs all do this)
Certain stimulants cause anxiety. I have found pharmaceutical stimulants cause the most, then coffee, then caffeine.)
Combining stimulants will multiply anxiety.
If you struggle with anxiety and consume tons of these stimulants, try tapering down.
If you drink coffee, substitute your coffee for energy drinks/tea/caffeine pills.
D)Lack of Experience
Lack of Experience. Because many guys grow up on porn, video games and had helicopter/religious parents , they are completely clueless and socially inexperienced.
They never hung out with people outside of schools, never got invited to parties.
Never hung out with the in crowd. Never went through critical rites of passage.
They’ve never asked a girl out. Some are virgins.
Because of this critical lack of experience, they are afraid.
It is natural to be afraid of the unknown. What is not natural is to let fear immobilize you.
Fear should motivate you should take action.
E) Lack of Exercise
Lack of exercise and a sedentary lifestyle can be a cause of an anxiety itself.
The human body was designed to be on the move.
Not sitting in a chair for 8-14 hours a day. Not cooped up in a house.
I know that when I fail to exercise for several days I become more anxious.
That was part of the reason I started working out everyday.
When I workout regularly my baseline anxiety is significantly lowered.
Shame is another root cause of social anxiety.
Some Causes of Shame:
Video Games, Porn, Masturbation, Underachievement, Low-Self Esteem and being a NEET are the root causes of shame.
What is a NEET?
A NEET is anyone who is Not Engaged in Education, Employment or Training.
A NEET is a parasite/moocher or loser who is going nowhere in life and usually has several addictions.
Being a NEET will cause depression and deep subconscious shame in anyone with basic self-awareness.
Video Games causes anxiety because you feel guilty for wasting your valuable time on a useless activity.
Porn and masturbation causes anxiety because you are acting against your own body and evolutionary goals.
Instead of spilling your seed inside a woman, you are spilling it on the floor or into a tissue.
You are awkwardly watching as another man achieves his MISSION. He has successfully reproduced with a woman, while you have spilled your seed on yourself.
There is nothing natural or normal about watching another man have sex with a woman.
While you are alone, with your pants down, playing with yourself, you escape reality.
It’s only after the orgasm that the deep feelings of self-disgust, regret and shame manifest. Even if you don’t realize it, your body language, eye contact and expressions change.
On a deep, subconscious level you are ashamed and you carry yourself like an outcast.
Porn addicted masturbators carry themselves differently. They act afraid, fearful, and disgusted.
You can see it in the eyes. I used to think that it was all in my head and placebo.
It’s definitely not. This is a real phenomenon. Underachievement causes shame.
When you are working fast food, broke, no car and living with mom, it’s hard not to be ashamed.
Only someone with low aspirations, intelligence, self-awareness, self-respect and ambition could be happy in a situation like that. If this is you, don’t worry about socializing and dating.
You need to worry about having your shit together.
Self-Esteem n. – confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.
Low self esteem comes from lack of belief in one’s self, lack of risk taking and lack of prior achievements.
Combine all these factors and you have a socially awkward individual who comes off as “creepy” “weird” or “awkward”.
Human beings naturally gravitate away from socially awkward human beings.
Because we are social animals, having bad social skills would be an indication that something was mentally wrong with the person. Women are more observant and repulsed by the socially awkward then men.
STEP #1: GET A LIFE
I know, telling you to get a life is a cliché. It’s said all the time.
Who cares, it’s got some truth to it. You’ve got to have some socially acceptable hobbies, some real bro’s and some activities. You’ve got to be an interesting person. If you have hobbies, talents and a social life you are going to feel confident.
You’ve GOT TO BECOME A SOMEBODY INSTEAD OF A FACELESS NOBODY.
You’ve got to have interesting stories that you can use to break the ice and build rapport.
The best stories must be drawn from your lived experience. One rule. The hobbies can’t involve video games, anime, cartoons , cosplay or anything else cringy.
These are socially awkward hobbies that will make you look like an awkward, low-value, loser.
No, you want hobbies you can brag about or show off at. Skiing, Dancing, Rock Climbing.
By socializing with people and going out to places, you will expose your self to more people and new environments. This will gradually pull you out of your shell.
STEP #2 BUILD A PHYSIQUE TO INCREASE CONFIDENCE
I mentioned the gym and exercise earlier in this article and I’m going to mention it again.
You need to be going to the gym and lifting weights for 5 to 7 days a week.
Nothing will do more for your confidence and self-esteem then transforming from the Pillsbury Dough Boy into a Greek Statue. Exercise reduces anxiety and depression. Seeing visible changes week by week will inspire you to keep the habit.
Once you’ve got big arms, defined shoulders, and a popping chest your confidence will shoot through the ROOF. Believe that. I did, and reaped the rewards. So can you.
Do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger ever had issues with social anxiety?
Of course not. He was tall, muscular, extremely cocky and oozed confidence. Even when he had no money and no English, he carried himself like a boss.
As a result, women flocked to him and men envied him.
Do you think he would be Arnold if he was clinically obese with stick arms?
No, he’d be Arnold the construction worker or taxi driver.
That’s why Arnold is a LEGEND. The man had the physique of a Greek God and the confidence and charisma that came with it.
Get off your ass and start building that physique up.
STEP 3# EXPOSURE THERAPY – PUT YOURSELF IN CHALLENGING SITUATIONS
What Is Exposure Therapy?
Exposure therapy is a treatment developed to help people get over their fears.
When people are fearful of something, they tend to avoid the feared objects, activities or situations. Although avoidance reduces fear in the short term, it increases it in the long term.
This may come as a surprise to some readers , but their are men who are petrified of women.
They want them, but they are so scared of rejection they can’t even ask for a number or introduce themselves.
These men may need help from close men or real life mentors who can lead by example.
You’ve got to take small steps.
If you’re guy who’s never talked to women and has 0 experience, that might mean going up to 10 random women a day and simply saying “Hi” and leaving.
After this drill became routine and easy, the man would work up to engaging in a small conversation – asking for an opinion or directions to 10 women a day.
Finally, the man would transition to the goal of asking 5 women a day for their phone numbers.
Dating is a numbers game.
You miss 100% of the shot you don’t take in life. It’s true in HOCKEY, BASEBALL and BASKETBALL.
More importantly, it’s true IN LIFE and IN DATING.
STEP 4# QUIT ALL ESCAPISM, VIDEO GAMES & PORN, MINIMIZE SCREEN TIME
I touched on this in the beginning of the article. If you ever want to actually lose your social anxiety and become socially confident, you must stop ESCAPING REALITY.
Escapism causes feelings of shame and low self-esteem. It does this because deep down you know you are wasting you’re valuable time. Time that you could be using to get ahead is instead being wasted and fall behind.
Video Games and Porn mess with neurotransmitters and cause anxiety, irritability, low motivation and confidence. You must commit to stopping all forms of escapism.
Delete and sell all your video games. Install porn blockers and find an accountability partner.
Minimize your screen time as much as possible.
The only time you should be looking at a screen is when you are doing something productive, or watching a show in a social environment. Period.
Stop hiding from life behind a screen. Get fit, get social, take risks, and take shots.
Remember, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take in life.
The only way to reduce your social anxiety is by cutting out negative habits and forcing yourself into challenging, new situations.